London Calling...

"But I've been 'transitioning' for the past 5 years..."

Did you ever notice that “transition” has the word “sit” in it? I find that ironic. Or maybe it is poetically perfect, given that sitting is just about all I seem to be doing: sitting and debating.

The thought process behind making a massive decision is one that we usually keep to ourselves. People don’t go around publicly hashing out their options and how they are feeling about the repercussions of their actions. We do this privately, with ourselves and perhaps a few close friends; and then make a public declaration of our decision after it has been made.  Tim has done this. I, however, don’t think I can. I don’t think I can do much these days. I have a huge choice to make: move with my dear friends, my adopted family to the USA or stay in London and look for a new job/place to live. I’ve been going over this, talking about it, losing sleep over it for weeks. It’s haunting me, it’s consuming me, it’s killing me. It is all I think about.

My head hurts.

I could leave my church, to be honest…even though I adore it. I could leave it. I haven’t been that involved for the past month or so anyway; so it wouldn’t be this big thing, I think. I never really see my friends anymore. If I stayed, I’d probably just work all the time and save money. True, there would probably be the occasional Friday evening meet-up with Nicky and her other half Ben, or a weekend away visiting my friends in Northern Ireland; but I would most likely get pretty lonely. But I would be getting rich whilst being lonely, and I think that’s a fair trade-off. And it could just be for a year. But then, I want to be in London long-term, and if there’s a time to go back to the States for a couple years, it’s now. But it’s definitely harder to move back here once I’ve gone back to the States. Although—I did it once; I can do it again, right? And does that really mean that I’ll never live in America again??  Without knowing that she was saying it, my sister mentioned—twice—how I was going to miss my nephew’s childhood if I stayed here, and how he wouldn’t know me. Brutal. But kind of true. 

But how am I going to MAKE MONEY in the States? What suck-away-your-soul-and-any-lingering-dignity job am I going to find that allows me to save up enough money to move to London, England, in a year or two? I am not ready to be done with London! But then, I may never be.

“Fear not, for I bring you good news of great joy…” Fear not... Fear not... Whatever I do, I will be taken care of. Whatever I do, I will be ok.

But I will be in different places, surrounded by different people and different things. I will be on different paths. I will be headed in different directions. I know that this decision is going to impact my life; it’s going to change things in a big way and probably irreparably, and the weight of that fact is crushing me.

I am completely at a loss. Leave the people I love to stay in London, or leave the first place I’ve ever felt at home in my entire life to be with my friends? I cannot imagine living with anyone other than Tim and Jamie. I cannot imagine living anywhere other than London. Unfortunately, one of those nightmares is about to come true.

But which one?

In any event, Happy Boxing Day.

posted by Becs @ 5:57 pm